An Unexpected Visit
by the black knight
Summary: Artemis is visited by a notsovengeful Jon Spiro and doesn't quite know what to make of it.


An Unexpected Visit

The doorbell rang.

Artemis irritably ignored it. He was currently concentrating on hacking into yet another bank account. Butler could answer the door; it was what he was paid to do, anyway.

The doorbell rang.

"Butler! Get the bloody door!" Artemis' patience was now at its limits. He needed his full concentration for the task at hand, and the constant ringing had a way of derailing his thoughts faster than Juliet in a swimsuit.

That had been a bad day. Three failed hackings, one botched forgery and five abandoned cons. Artemis had subsequently banned Juliet from wearing anything with less than 50 square inches of cloth.

The doorbell rang.

Artemis was about to scream bloody murder at Butler when he remembered that both he and Juliet had went to town to do some shopping, and his parents were yet again vacationing in France.

The doorbell rang.

Maybe if he waited long enough and ignored the ringing whoever it was would go away and leave him alone. The unwelcome visitor would give up, or think no one was home. Yes, the best course of action seemed to be the lack thereof.

The doorbell rang.

Artemis steadfastly ignored it.

The doorbell rang.

Didn't some people get the hint?

The doorbell rang.

Apparently not. Artemis gave up and walked down to the door, ready to give the obstinate visitor a earful.

The doorbe-

"Yes, how may I help you?" asked Artemis with thinly veiled irritation.

"Artemis? Artemis Fowl the Second?" the visitor asked.

"Yes, what's it to you?" Artemis replied sourly. Even now his operation had probably been timed out by the security system, his hours of work for naught…

"Artemis! It's me! Jon!" the figure said jovially.

"Jon who?" The amount of contacts Artemis had that would be inclined to visit vis-à-vis the front door were currently countable on the hand of a blind lumberjack.

"Jon Spiro!"

"Spi-" Artemis' lips moved with the syllables before realisation dawned. Just the day for Butler to be out too. His mind raced for suitable escape plans, before he realised that Spiro was: a) alone, and b) unarmed.

Of course, his experience with the Butlers had taught him that those two conditions meant nothing. Perhaps Spiro had trained in martial arts before making this visit, vengeance his sole purpose in life, and could currently snap Artemis' snap without so much as a 'hai-ya!'.

Artemis took another sidelong glance at Spiro, noting especially the weedy arms and toaster-rack chest. Mirth bubbled as theory clashed with reality and was mercilessly crushed to a pulp.

Of course, nothing could be taken for granted.

"Er… Spiro. Is Blunt around?" Artemis asked cautiously.

Spiro laughed. It was an eerie sound. Artemis didn't recall hearing it without himself being in mortal danger.

"No, the good chap is still in prison. Is Butler around?" Spiro beamed and peered inside the mansion.

"Butler is lurking around somewhere, I imagine, ready to snap the neck of any threat to myself, real or imagined," Artemis lied. It never did to give away too much about his vulnerability

"Could I meet him too? It's been so long. Just think of all the catching up to do, eh?" Spiro nudged Artemis in the ribs. Artemis frowned. He did not like being nudged in the ribs. He had a delicate ribcage.

"I'm afraid that would be impossible at this juncture. Perhaps next time then?" Artemis said, closing the door. Spiro jammed his foot in to stop the heavy doors from sliding shut.

"Artemis, I'm not done yet! My boy, you'd almost seem rude to the uninitiated!" Spiro protested.

"Yes, that would be a grave mistake on their part. Shouldn't you be in prison, by the way?" replied Artemis.

"Oh, they let me out on parole. How've you been anyway, Artemis? It's been, what, three years since we last met. Is school going okay?" Spiro inquired enthusiastically.

"Er… I'm perfectly fine, I suppose, except for a pest problem I've suffered recently," Artemis replied pointedly. Small talk was not his forte.

"Ah, yes, hate the buggers. When did you suffer from this problem? Care to invite me in, by the way?"

"Well, it started about ten minutes ago." Artemis sighed. "Very well, come in then. Don't make yourself too comfortable."

Spiro sidled into the mansion. "Nice place you've got here, Artemis! Really spacious. Gorgeous home!" Spiro exclaimed. "I can see you're really into the gold-leaf and gilt-edged style of furnishing. Adds lustre, definitely."

"Yes, I do have a predilection for gold. I'll be blunt, Spiro. Is there a point to this visit?" Artemis said irritably.

"Ah, yes. I just wanted to thank you, Artemis."

"…" For the life of him, Artemis could not formulate a suitable reply.

"Oh, come on, Artemis, be a bigger man. Can't you at least accept my thanks?" Asked Spiro, hurt lacing his words.

"…"

"I know things between us haven't always been smooth, Artemis, but this is downright rude." Artemis could see tears forming at the edges of Spiro's moist eyes.

"Thank me?" Asked Artemis, finally finding his voice. "Whatever for? I bankrupted you, I ended your empire, I put you in prison."

"Exactly!"

"…I fail to see the connection."

"Artemis, you've helped to rid me of my worldly possessions! You freed me from the chains and trappings of wealth! I can't even begin to express my gratitude!" Spiro positively radiated joy.

Artemis blinked.

"Ever since I've lost it all, I've gained the world! More than the world! You've helped me realise that wealth and money are nothing more than illusions!" Spiro explained his epiphany.

Artemis looked at his gold watch. It looked real to him.

"You see, Artemis, I've found God! He's helped me to understand that I've wasted most of my life in pursuit of the worldly! We shouldn't seek treasures on earth, but store up instead treasures in heaven. What is money anyway, that we should devote our lives in worship of it?" Spiro conversed animatedly.

To Artemis, Spiro's words seemed as gobbledegook to him. Individually, he understood each word, but as a statement it made no sense whatsoever.

"Artemis, I am finally free! And I have you to thank! Words cannot express the joy I feel! It's like I'm starting afresh! Air has never smelt this sweet; the world has never looked so bright!" Spiro seemed to have an odd glow about him.

Artemis' face was pensive, his brows furrowed.

"It's time for me to leave now, but I hope you listened to what I have to say. Take a pamphlet or four, and feel free to call me if you have any questions. I hope you can find the peace I've found too," Spiro smiled beatifically has he wantonly stuffed pamphlets into Artemis' unresisting hands.

"I'll let myself out, then. I can see you're deeply considering what I've said. Farewell, Artemis!" Shouted Spiro has he disappeared out the door, almost seeming to leave a trail of joy and happiness.

Artemis was perplexed, to say the least. The last time he saw Spiro, Spiro had been a ruthless money-grabber without the least bit of scruples. And now… What could have caused such a huge change in the man?

Artemis remembered Spiro's serene smile. He recalled his pure joy. He thought of Spiro's sheer happiness, and his complete disregard for material things. It was like Spiro was a new man; one with not the faintest relation to the Spiro he knew previously.

And then it all clicked. Artemis finally realised what had happened, and it was all so clear now. How could he not have seen it before? Only one thing could have changed a man like Spiro so much, only one thing could have affected him in such a way.

Spiro had lost his mind.

Artemis went back to his room and resumed his work.


End file.
